I am...

If I asked you to write 20 "I am..." statements, focusing on personal characteristics and other identifying features of you and your life, what would you write?

The first therapist I saw 10 or 12 years ago (when I was around 20) asked me to do something like this and here is what I came up with:
1. I am worthless.
The end.

Despite the fact that I was an honors student, I was independent with a strong work ethic - working, interning and going to school - and had plenty of other qualities and aspects to my identity, I could not see any of it.

I could only go up from there, right? Fast-forward 5 years or so. This time around, I could identify aspects of myself that enticed feelings of pride and confidence but also feelings of shame and confusion. It might have looked something like this...

1. I am in a career I hate.
2. I am in a complicated relationship that makes me doubt my whole self.
3. I am a volunteer.
4. I am an aunt.
5. I am an alcoholic.
6. I am an introvert.
7. I am independent.
8. I am overweight and unhappy with the way I look.

The list would go on, with a similar mix of attributes. Definitely progress from the first time! My overall take on it at this point was... eh, things to work on, but I thought this is just what real, adult life is like.

This is around the time I came across this story about Roz Savage. I had forgotten about the "I am..." list my therapist asked me to do a decade earlier but Roz's story resonated with me so I started with what she did - I wrote two obituaries.  I wrote one based on the life I was living and another based on the life I wanted; the life I fantasized about but didn't think was possible.  I'll admit - this didn't seem helpful at first. Comparing the two was depressing. The fact was that the distance between these two lives - the one I was living and the one I wanted - felt SO FAR; immeasurable; impossible. And this is when I remembered the "I am..." list.

So I literally took an inventory of my entire existence. The more honest I was, the harder it was to look at. But I needed to get real about where I was in my life before I could do anything about it. I had spent a lot of time being in denial about my reality, thinking that magically one day my life would make sense to me. But as time went on, the disconnect grew and thus a sense of desperation.

I'll spare you the entire list but the 8 listed above are real and very much representative of it. I didn't see it as all bad news though!  The nice thing about this is that I was able to see some things that I actually liked about myself - like being an active volunteer and being independent. Other things that I wanted to get better at - like being a more engaged aunt. And then there were things like being an introvert - which I wanted to learn to accept rather than try and change. The biggies though were the things I really wanted to change or eliminate like being in a job I hated, in a confusing relationship and being an alcoholic.  I had a list though and I could identify things that I knew I could do alone and others that I'd need help with. I could see what was missing - what I wanted to add to the list but couldn't at that point in my life. I didn't give myself the option to leave things off the list. Of course I didn't want to admit my struggles with drinking but if I left it off the list, it wouldn't go away. So I added it, among other such things.

I hate to admit that it took making a literal inventory of myself to be able to identify and tackle areas that I wanted to change. It was necessary though, even critical. I had gotten so detached from my actual self that this is what it took... so what can I say.

My point in sharing this story is that of course we don't want to identify with our least desirable traits. Of course we don't want to admit our shortcomings. To do so would mean we accept them, that we succumb to them, right? Wrong. This is one very effective way to move on from them. You have to start from where you are to make a lasting change. If I'm not willing to admit that I am unhappy/in a bad relationship/an alcoholic/etc. than how would I take that first step in the right direction to make a change?

So try it, make a list. It doesn't have to be final. It does have to be honest. And comprehensive - include the good, the bad and the ugly! Having a therapist, coach, partner or close friend to help see you through this process is absolutely recommended.

Whether you like labels or not, whether you identify with every aspect of yourself or not, it is worth experimenting with and examining what you come up with. If you resist labels, you could reword statements like "I am a procrastinator" to "I am someone who puts things off until the last possible second." (This was another of mine!) The value of examining this aspect of yourself remains.

Oh, I almost forgot... you might be wondering what my list looks like today! Well if you know me, you know I have basically flipped my life upside down over the past few years. Taking an honest look at myself and my life is what prompted so many changes. So again, I'll spare you the entire list but it is important to note that there is still the good, the bad and the ugly!  It just looks different. The purpose of this is not, nor is my goal, to have a list that looks "perfect".  It is to examine your life as you evolve and keep yourself in check about what is going on in your life. "Accept your reality," as I like to tell people. You might be surprised, as I was, to see your confidence skyrocket by taking ownership of it all and not living a "selective reality", as I like to call it!