The Irony of My New Tattoo

The first time I went to the Boston Tattoo Convention, I went only partially prepared. I wanted a tattoo, and had a hand-drawn design with me, but I didn't book an artist ahead of time. Instantly overwhelmed by the sights and sounds - a tattoo convention is some serious sensory overload - I walked around for a while, taking it all in. Each artist booth had a little sign up that either said "I have openings" or "I am booked". So, I started seeking out an artist with availability. I found an artist whose portfolio included styles of tattoos similar to the design I had drawn. He had a hat on backwards, friendly eyes, a full beard, and a charming smile. He reminded me of an ex-boyfriend, and you know, these are the important things when looking for a tattoo artist. Appearance aside, his portfolio was impressive and I anticipated that this tattoo artist could only improve on what I had drawn. He was busy tattooing so I spoke with his assistant - a spunky girl with over-sized gold hoop earrings, extra long coffin-style nails, and a ponytail with full golden curls piled on top of her head. I handed over my drawing and she showed it to him. He gave a nod and a smile, had her take a picture of it, and I booked some time for the following day. I spent that night stalking his Instagram page, reassuring myself that I had chosen a quality artist. And making sure I wasn't just sold on his looks!

I made my way to his booth the following day, full of both anxiety and confidence. When I arrived, he greeted me kindly enough, yet seemed busy and tired. It was the afternoon of the last day of the convention. Tattoo guns buzzing. There's music blaring. People everywhere. I can only imagine what it's like to spend three days in that environment. As I sat down with him, I realized he hadn't taken a second look at my drawing. He pulled out a tablet and took a few minutes to redraw my design. He drew up most of it and then said, "I'll do that part by hand, if that's okay?" and went on to describe what he had in mind for a particular feature. I agreed. I trusted him. He's an artist after all. And you should have seen his charming, friendly-looking face! If he was confident enough to freehand a tattoo, in the presence of a constant flow of spectators, why shouldn't I trust him? 

It did not occur to me that there may have been some unexpected influences on my psyche. Sure, his looks got my attention but that really wasn't driving my decision-making. I am highly sensitive though - sensitive to my surroundings, sensitive to other people's feelings, among other things. In that moment, it wasn't registering that sensory overload could have been clouding my judgement and my ability to think clearly. Plus, the bustling atmosphere didn't lend itself to patience or careful decision-making. And I never considered what it would be like to navigate the necessary interactions involved in getting a tattoo, especially in the chaotic environment of a convention. 

I was feeling bold, impulsive, rebellious and I was committed to being excited about the experience. I felt confident in my decision and was ready to get this tattoo on my forearm. It was a simple design with a lot of meaning. I had recently come out on the other side of a tough, transformative time in my life and this tattoo served as a visual reminder of that feeling of triumph, as well as a reminder for future times of struggle. It included an arrow, and a quote: "The best way out is through". Half of the words sat above the arrow line and half sat underneath; then an infinity loop intersecting the arrow line. 

He put the finishing touches on to the drawing on the tablet - it was the infinity loop he was going to do by hand. He asked for my approval every step of the way, and I gave it. He printed the design from the tablet and transferred the stencil to my skin. Once it was transferred to my skin, I noticed some asymmetry. The distance between the words and the arrow line was off a bit - the words below the line were a little closer to the line than the words above it. I also did not love the size ratio of the words to the rest of the design. These were the details that differed in the otherwise identical design to the one I had drawn. The stencil was on my skin but he hadn't started tattooing yet. I knew I wasn't 100% satisfied with the design, yet, I replied with a cheery, confident, "Yup!", when the artist asked me if I was ready before he took the tattoo gun to my forearm.

Buzz. Vibration. Heat. Not quite pain. Some adrenaline. 

He looked up at me with that smile, "You good?"

"Yup! Doesn't hurt at all!" 

He went back to work and did the freehand infinity symbol last. I watched intently as he swept the tattoo gun across my forearm. What he described - a faded loop that would be a backdrop to the words of the quote - seemed like a beautiful idea. I was instantly disappointed with the outcome though. It just wasn't what I had in mind. But it was done. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it at that point.

Was it terrible? No. Did he do anything I did not agree to? No. Did I regret my tattoo? Not quite regret. Was I 100% satisfied with my new tattoo? Sadly, no. Did I express anything other than gratitude and happiness? Nope! My satisfaction level was at a solid 80%. But that 20% of disappointment had me googling things like "tattoo regret", "tattoo removal", and "new tattoo anxiety" when I got home. The googling gave me comfort knowing I was not the only one that had these feelings, that I had options if my satisfaction level continued to dip, and based on some accompanying "tattoo regret" photos, it could be much, much worse!

This feeling of dissatisfaction and low-grade panic lasted a few days, maybe a week, until I realized I did not want to keep obsessing and had to somehow accept the reality of it: I had a tattoo, on my arm, that I did not love. I loved what it represented - the original reason I got the tattoo. I had to let go of the design flaw though, so it also quickly became a lesson in living with imperfection. It also made me realize something else... 

There were indeed unexpected influences on my psyche that day. The truth is, I did not say anything when I noticed the issues I had with the design because I did not want to annoy him, I did not want to insult his skills, I felt bad, I told myself, it's not that big of a deal and it's fine. Ouch. Tough reality to swallow, and one I could only realize in retrospect. The sensory overload and the impromptu design decisions triggered a very old, deeply ingrained habit of people-pleasing. I got the tattoo as reminder of some recent lessons learned and I never could have anticipated that the experience of getting the tattoo itself would bring a new lesson to light. I tend to have a "live and learn" kind of attitude though, so within a few weeks, I found peace with the design and the experience as a whole.

Then the SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED AGAIN THIS YEAR! There may have been some improvement in my awareness of my people-pleasing issues, but overall, it may have turned out worse. Or it turned out perfectly. I am not sure.

When I was at the convention looking for an artist to do that forearm tattoo, I saw a lot of other amazing tattoo artists who were booked all weekend. I made note of a few and started following them on Instagram. When they announced the 2019 Boston Tattoo Convention, I decided I was ready for another tattoo and now I knew what to expect - of myself, of the environment and of a busy tattoo artist. I was going fully prepared this time. I looked up the artists I had my eye on the year prior. There was a female artist whose work I really liked so I contacted her a few weeks prior to the convention and booked a time with her. She had me send her a description and some references for the design I wanted. I had drawn something up myself again - and again assumed the artist would improve on what I had done. She asked me if I wanted her to use my design or if I wanted her to draw something up herself. I asked her to take everything I sent her and draw something up. The work she had online was beautiful and much of her work included the type of symbolism and style I wanted in this tattoo. She explained that she wouldn't be able to send me the design ahead of time but that I would, of course, be able to review and request any changes before she tattooed it. I trusted her, and I trusted myself to make sure I was happy with the design before committing. After all, I didn't want a repeat of last time.

My appointment was on a Sunday afternoon - the afternoon of the last day of the convention. When I arrived, the artist greeted me kindly enough but seemed busy and tired. She was petite with dark brown bangs swept to the side, and lots of piercings, including a barbell sitting on the bridge of her nose right between her eyes. She didn't say anything as she pulled out a drawing and handed it to me to review. It was essentially the drawing I had done, with some slight but significant differences. I was instantly disappointed. 

My response flashed through my mind, yet never made it out of my mouth: You made a point to say, 'either I can use your drawing or I'll draw something up off your references'. I could have improved on my own design but thought you might come up with something more interesting. Instead, you drew a less symmetrical, incomplete version of my own design.

Instead, with a smile, I said: "Thank you for using the design I sent you!" 

Was it the music, the people, the buzz that was clouding my judgement - again? Or was it my people-pleasing ways, taking over - again? 

She cracked a smile but didn't say anything as I handed her back the drawing. She taped it on to my shoulder to make sure the size and placement was right. 

I looked in a mirror, and then looked at her: "This looks good, right?" She agreed: "Yes, perfect." 

The size and placement were indeed perfect, but symmetry was an issue again. There was also a key element missing. I was still looking in the mirror, trying to catch any other issues I had with it. Before I said anything, she seemed to read my mind, and acknowledged the missing element: "I'm going to draw that part on to you". 

I nodded. "Okay!"

I found myself being painfully self-aware of my thought process. I had to say something about the asymmetry yet I found myself feeling nervous and anxious; worried I would come across as annoying and that it would make things awkward. I had already swallowed some disappointment, and couldn't let this go too. I pointed out the area I wanted adjusted and she agreed - she wasn't annoyed, and it wasn't awkward. 

Then I noticed another detail was off. The design included a symbolic flower that was supposed to have 16 petals - a detail that was not represented in my drawing - but it was noted in my email description. After all, my drawing was intended to be a sketch for reference, not the final design! Had I known it would be, I would have redone it. There were 12 petals on her design. I didn't say anything to her. 

I already made an issue of the symmetry. Now I will definitely be annoying if I point this out too. It's not that big of a deal. No one will notice except me. It's fine. 

These thoughts came and went so quickly in my mind. I didn't want what was happening to be happening. 

I gave her the green light to send the design to be printed onto a transfer sheet, then she transferred the stencil to my skin. She drew on the remaining elements. When she said she was finished I realized there was another thing missing! I expected it to be part of what she added by hand since it was something else that was in my email description but not in my original drawing - a tiny spider hanging from the design. This was a must and I didn't hesitate to say something this time. 

"Oh ya!" She obviously forgot. But she didn't seem annoyed, and it didn't make things awkward. 

She started to draw it on my skin with a thick marker. "I can't get it quite small enough but..." her voice trailed off and my anxiety grew. Not another freehand tattoo feature! 

I asked her for a piece of paper so I could draw what I had in mind. I sketched up the tiny spider and then she copied what I drew on to my arm with a much finer marker. 

I went and looked in the mirror one more time to make sure I was happy with the final design before she tattooed. "Good to go!"

I sat in a flimsy plastic folding chair, facing the aisle between two long rows of tattoo artist booths set up side by side, positioned for perfect people-watching while she went to work on my new shoulder tattoo. The people. The music. The buzz. The vibration. The sensory overload. I squashed all feelings of disappointment and anxiety as she asked me one more time if I was ready, and with a cheery, confident, "Yup!", she took the needle to my arm.

After some time, she asked: "How ya doing?" 

"Good! Not bad at all!" I was determined to enjoy the experience.  

After maybe an hour or so, she said she needed a bathroom break. I took this opportunity to take a few selfies of my partially done tattoo. I scrolled through the photos I took and my heart sank.

More asymmetry.

I had looked at the design multiple times. Asked for modifications. Knowingly didn't ask for some. But was horrified that there was more I didn't even notice until just then. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. It was an area that had already been inked.

FUCK.

How did this happen - AGAIN?

I couldn't accept the reality in that moment. I wanted so badly to be thrilled with my new tattoo. Without much effort, I again completely denied myself any feelings of disappointment. She returned quickly, and I proceeded to enjoy the people watching, the music and the buzz.

When she was done with the tattoo, we both took some photos - she took some with my phone and then she took a handful with her phone. She wrapped up my tattoo, I paid her, tipped her, told her I loved it - not an inkling of disappointment to be found in those final moments. I couldn't bear it. I was having an ideal tattoo experience, regardless of the reality.

I got home, was enjoying the fabricated feeling of satisfaction, and was flipping through the photos on my phone. HOLY SHIT. She forgot to finish the tattoo. There is shading in some areas and she did not finish the shading in one section!

Photos don't lie. This shook me out of my curated delight and I felt heavy with layers of built up disappointment and maybe even some embarrassment. I wanted to cry. 

I found myself thinking, It's fine. It's not that big of a deal. But quickly, my mind shouted at me, SHE DIDN'T FINISH THE TATTOO! THAT IS NOT FINE! Thank you, mind, for shouting. 

I emailed her at that moment, knowing there wouldn't be an opportunity to have it fixed by her until next year, assuming she returned to Boston. She works out of New York and LA. I sent her the photo that SHE took... and chose my words carefully: "I just noticed there are a few spots where the shading was forgotten!" It was a conscious choice to avoid a blaming statement like, "I just noticed you forgot the shading in a few spots!" I didn't want to be annoying. I went on to ask if she would take care of it if she came back to Massachusetts. Without an apology or any acknowledgement of the huge error, she replied, "Of course! Most definitely!" And agreed that she would fix it when she was back in the area and would keep me posted on the dates.

Was the tattoo terrible? No. Did she do anything I did not agree to? No. Did I regret my tattoo? Not quite regret. Was I 100% satisfied with my new tattoo? Sadly, no. Did I express anything other than gratitude and happiness? Nope! I decided on an 80% satisfaction level - again. But that 20% of disappointment had me googling things like "tattoo regret", "tattoo removal", and "new tattoo anxiety." Again.

Part of this shoulder tattoo included the symbol for the throat chakra. Here are the qualities of a balanced throat chakra: 

"The gift of this chakra is accepting your originality, expressing your authentic voice and speaking your truth. It is the way of standing up for what you believe, saying no when you need to, and being open and honest in what you say." (https://www.chakra-anatomy.com/throat-chakra.html) 

Did I include this symbol because I felt like mine was perfectly balanced? Absolutely not. I included it because it is an area where I have done a ton of healing and have more to do - clearly!

SPEAK YOUR TRUTH. STAND UP FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE. SAY NO. BE OPEN AND HONEST.

HA.

There is much more to the tattoo but that throat chakra symbol is literally and figuratively at the center of it. 

I am not sure I can say which had more of an influence on how I handled this situation - the distractions of the bustling environment or my people-pleasing ways. My thoughts were telling me I was disappointed and that I wanted to rework the design yet my words and facial expressions conveyed satisfaction. I did not tell the truth. I did not stand up for what I believed. I said yes when I really meant no. And for what? These tattoo artists walk away with money and thinking they have another satisfied customer. And I walk away with two less than ideal tattoos. I got the tattoos for deeply personal reasons and the original meaning has only been magnified by the experiences of getting them. 

I can't help but wonder what the experience was for those tattoo artists. Neither said much to me. Were they wondering what I was thinking, and if I was happy with their work? Were they genuinely satisfied with their work on me? Would a tattoo artist admit if they fucked up, especially in the subtle ways I noticed on mine? Is it possible that we were both noticing the same asymmetries and such, at the same time, and both thinking, fuck, too late? I have considered emailing the artist that did the second tattoo again and pointing out all of the other flaws, in addition to the shading she forgot. Would a tattoo artist want to know how someone like me feels about the experience? Maybe she'll come across this essay some day. 

It's summer now, and I rock both tattoos proudly. Every so often I look really closely at them and I shake my head at myself, let out a sigh, and even a little laugh. What else can I do?