A career path. A big move. The end
of a relationship. The beginning of a relationship. Sometimes when we embark on
a journey - a difficult one, an exciting one, or both - we quickly realize that
EVERYONE has something to say about it. While we may expect this, it can still
be tricky to navigate. When I left my corporate career without another
job lined up you can imagine that everyone felt completely comfortable offering
their opinion about it. Coming to such a life-changing decision was difficult
enough in itself. With everything I had to consider, I did not give much
thought to how I would deal with peoples’ reactions. Everyone from my mother to
co-workers I barely knew wanted, and felt entitled, to know why and what was
next. It wasn't that I didn't want to share my story - this was a big
decision that I was excited about - but I also didn't have it all figured out
yet. I found it challenging to figure out how to share my decision in a
way that didn't prompt a million questions and unsolicited advice.
When we are on a journey of
pursuing something new or making a big change in our life, our energy can be
spent in much more valuable ways than on appeasing peoples' curiosity or
convincing them to accept our decision. I realized, just like they aren't
obligated to understand your journey, you aren't obligated to explain your
journey. So here are 5 tips on how to deal with people in your life
during this time:
1. Experiment! You can experiment with what you tell
to whom, and how much. You may feel inclined to tell more to your co-worker,
who you think will be more understanding, than to your best friend, who is very
opinionated. Or vice-versa! It's perfectly acceptable to say "I am
not in a place to talk about this in detail right now." or “I’m still
figuring it out!" Try different responses with different people. You don't
need to tell everything to everyone if you don't want to. And you might
find support and empathy from people outside your usual circle.
2. Show
gratitude. Most of the time, people’s reactions are rooted in wanting
what is best for you, worrying about you and wanting to help. Unfortunately,
their concern can come across as judgment or doubt if you get reactions like,
"Well what if...", "Why don't you just...", "You
should...", "Why would you...". I've heard it all. This
can be incredibly frustrating. If you aren't up for participating in this
conversation, acknowledge their concern with gratitude rather than shutting
them down completely and they actually may back off a bit. For example, "I
know you care about me and I am grateful for that. This is something I need to
figure out for myself. I am doing what I need to do to be happy. I know you are
there for me and if the time comes I want to talk about this in more detail, I
know I can come to you."
3. State your needs. If you want support but not
advice, be clear about that. If you don't feel like answering questions, that's
okay. If you just want to vent or cry one day and you want to celebrate the
next, that's okay - it's your journey! Those closest to you want to
support you, they probably just don't know how. The best way to get the support
you need is to be clear about what is helpful and what is not. Again, come from
a place of gratitude and you will likely get a positive response.
4. Try to meet people where they are. For example, my mother will
never understand why I left a comfy corporate career to pursue a less-stable,
unconventional career. I can, and have tried to, explain it to her until I'm
blue in the face and she will not understand. So rather than hoping that she
will change the way she reacts to me, I change the way I deal with her. I
divulge a little less detail about my pursuits. I laugh it off sometimes and
say "Oh Mom, it's just a different time, happiness matters!" I
don't like to sugar-coat or minimize things but I also realized how stressful
it was for me to expect that she would be any other way than she is. I need to
accept her where she is, just as I want her to accept me where I am. If this
sounds like someone in your life, one way to respond is with, "I know this
may not make sense to you but this is a difficult/exciting time for me and I
want to focus my energy on working through it/enjoying it rather than
explaining it." And then you can show them rather than tell them.
They will see your journey over time.
5. If needed, reevaluate your relationship.
Your journey might change you. Your needs might evolve. You might see things
that you didn't see before. Your journey might incite or trigger things in
other people - for better or worse. Stay open to these possibilities. A friend
you thought might be supportive may become distant. I have found that when
people pursue their dreams, it can sometimes leave people in their life feeling
left behind or may stir up other feelings or reactions that ultimately have
nothing to do with you. On the other hand, a casual friend may become closer
because you have similar paths that only became clear once you embarked on your
journey. It's okay to reevaluate the relationships in your life. We are always
evolving so our relationships will too.
When you are dealing with life
changes, it can be easy to either push people away or feel like you have to
explain everything to everyone. I hope these steps help you navigate your
relationships as you embark on whatever journey you choose!
No comments:
Post a Comment