One Third Rule of Tribes

I've been listening to the Recovery 2.0: #MoveBeyond Addiction Conference the last few days.  I highly suggest tuning in to this FREE online conference whether you consider yourself an addict or not, or whether you work with addicts or not. There is some incredible wisdom here that I think everyone can find value in. One such example is the segment with Amy Pearson. Unfortunately, her segment is no longer available unless you purchase the conference but you can easily find her work online.

Amy talks about the idea of Approval Addiction and as part of this she describes a simple, yet powerful concept that she calls the "One Third Rule of Tribes".  It's not a new idea, I had heard something like it before, but there was something about the way she described it that really resonated with me. It's basically the idea that you can't please everybody all the time.

In summary, she divides the world population into thirds and labels them Haters, Neutrals and then Your Tribe.

The Haters are people that no matter what you do, how much you achieve, how kind you are, etc. you will never be impressive to them. You will never gain their approval.

The Neutrals are the group that could kind of take you or leave you without much thought. They might hear you out but aren't particularly excited about what you do or aren't particularly supportive but aren't judgemental or doubtful either.

Your Tribe, though, they are the people that get excited about what you have to say and are really interested in what you are doing with your life. They want to be around you and they really get it. You likely look up to each other and learn from each other. They support you and encourage you.

She goes on to say that the problem is that many people spend their time and energy trying to win over the Haters and the Neutrals but the reality is that we can never change how they deal with us.  In this, she says, we become invisible to Our Tribe, even unrecognizable, thus denying ourselves the primal need for this type of deeply authentic connection.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, letting go of trying to the gain the approval and support of the Haters and Neutrals in my life is still a work in progress. I have been slowly but surely shifting my energy and expression over the last few years and I have truly experienced the fulfillment of connecting with My Tribe - a connection I didn't consciously realize I was missing but always felt under the surface... an inner drive that was always pushing me in the direction I am going. And now I know why! :-)